I puked a lego.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
either way he was missing a nipple.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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