I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
