I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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