Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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