Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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