she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
