Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
