The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
