What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
