I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
