then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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