I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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