my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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