this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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