His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
