The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
