What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
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Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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