3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
