Your mouth is God's brothel.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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