please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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