I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
