I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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