Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
