well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
