fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
