Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
