Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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