I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
