I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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