I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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