I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
