I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
