if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
