I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
