Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
