everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
