Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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