she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
