smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Who put my cat in the fridge?