We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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