I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
