he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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