he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
