Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
