he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i wish my penis had a tongue
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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