I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
