Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
