I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
