So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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