True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Watching her eat just hurts me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
