If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
