I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
