This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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