I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
