I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
there is glitter all over my balls
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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