i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
