Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
